my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
