i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
