Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
