pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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