I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
