Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
