Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
