god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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