she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
