Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
