Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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