Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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