My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
my being single is dangerous.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
