Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
