You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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