i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
