I can't breathe out the right side of my face
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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