I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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