I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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