Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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