I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
3pm strippers are depressing
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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