i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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