Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
