the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
