Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
