No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
