My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
