I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
