I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
