its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
