I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
