Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
