once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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