I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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