It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
