One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
