The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
