i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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