Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
