david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
