She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
