This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
