it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
