I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
