If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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