My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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