I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
