My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
