The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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