I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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