Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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