it was like his penis was on wheels.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
