i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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