i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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