No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
