sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wish they made helmets for livers.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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