I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
