you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
