i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
