the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
