I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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