I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
