White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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