Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
this just has baby written all over it
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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